Ya Know, When I Prayed for the Rangers to Win the Cup This Year, This Isn’t What I Meant.

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by Doud

Literally me watching this Cup Final:

Let’s just run it all down:

CHICAGO:

-Brad Richards

-Dan Carcillo

TAMPA:

-Ryan Callahan

-Anton StralMAN

-Brian Boyle

-Johnathan Marchessault (Connecticut Whale 2011-12)

-Pat Verbeek (Assistant GM, Dir. of Player Personnel)

Granted, I was all for the Cally/Marty swap, and Richards’ play through the 2014 run did nothing but justify his benching by Torts the previous year and I was all for buying him out last summer, but still.  This is all so brutal. Cally and Rich scoring in game 3 was not cool, not cool at all.  Don’t even get me started on the fact that the Rangers literally had Stamkos back in ’09.

FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCK

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Mark Lazarus, NBC Sports Head, Can Fuck Right Off

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Mara Beard very necessary.

by Doud

From the Chicago Tribune:

“The players won’t like this, but I wish they all would stop growing beards in the postseason,” Lazarus said. “Let’s get their faces out there. Let’s talk about how young and attractive they are. What model citizens they are. (Hockey players) truly are one of a kind among professional athletes. 

“I know it’s a tradition and superstition, but I think (the beards do) hurt recognition. They have a great opportunity with more endorsements. Or simply more recognition with fans saying, ‘That guy looks like the kid next door,’ which many of these guys do. I think that would be a nice thing.”

Ya know whats cool nowadays (and has probably jumped the shark)?  Beards.  Ya know whats always been manly as fuck?  Beards.  It’s called fashion Mark, look it up, and in hockey you simply don’t mess with tradition*.  Ken Morrow walked outta Lake Placid with gold in hand and into Nassau onto pro ice and said “fuck this shaving bullshit, I came to win.”  And unfortunately, that’s exactly what he did for 4 straight years.  Thus the full follicle tradition was born.  Seriously as the saying goes, “how do you shave your beard? YOU DON’T.”  So yea, I don’t think anyone’s about to listen to smooth faced Mark Lazarus of NBC.  Not to mention, last I checked Gillette, the best a man can get, is a long time sponsor of the League of National Hockey and I’m PRETTY sure you need facial hair in order to market such a product geared toward the removal of such.  Cross promotion BITCH, use your brain one time for me MARK.

Seriously, hockey’s a man’s game played by men, other than Sidney Crosby.

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Hit puberty sometime before age 30 bro honestly.

*EXCEPTION: ’94 Rangers, ‘cuz Mess told his troops he aint partaking in any Islander bullshit.

Jon Cooper Inspired the Lightning with Wedding Crashers Quotes

By Trapp

  
I will never root for and/or like any one from any team that eliminated my team from the post season let alone the round before the Stanley Cup. I must hand it Jonathan though, his young Tampa team is competing for a cup. Gotta be doin somethin right. Oh and he is. Apparently he dropped these two lines from Wedding Crashers on his team and has pretty much become their motto:

No excuses, play like a champion.

Don’t look for opportunities, make them.

  

The Rick Nash Apologists Need To Stop

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by Doud

So last night Trapp texts me asking what the fuck is wrong with Nash and why the hell he can’t score, or do anything to take over a game.  My response is everything I wanted to write in this very article a couple weeks ago when the Rangers found themselves down 3-1 in their series against Washington, but I held off since I felt he would break through and score a big goal in that series, which he did do in game 6.  The reason is very simple: he does not have it within himself to be a winner.  He does not have it within his personality (of which I’m very sure is something he doesn’t actually have) to be a competitor.  He’s a shy Canadian “good boy” who only operates within his given coach’s game plan, and will never elevate his play to operate outside of said game plan, despite his clear offensive skill/ability/size and speed that warrants him the right to do so.  He does not grasp the idea that superstars (of which he is one) need to take it upon themselves to make the plays needed to win.

The Rangers need him to at some point realize that he’s the best player on the ice at any given time and has the ability to take control of the game, and even be selfish when need be.  When he gets a shorthanded breakaway coming in on his strong hand side, you go hard to the net with your speed and size to attempt a move on the goalie to score.  What you DON’T do is take a goddamn soft wrist shot from the faceoff circle for a possible rebound play to Jesper fuckin Fast.

Do it yourself bro, you’re reeeeaaally good.  Game 6 on Mother’s Day, he scores a huge goal powering to the net, and I let out one of the most fulfilling yells of exclamation yet, because I badly want to root for our true goal scoring star.

He’s not absolved yet because that’s just one (albeit a BIG one) of 6 goals in over 50 playoff games during his Rangers career, and I’m very sick of wanna be coaches defending his great “two-way-play.”

The thing about “two-way-play” is that it HAS TO GO TWO WAYS.  HE’S NOT A TWO WAY PLAYER IF HE’S NOT ALSO SCORING GOALS.  And don’t give me this shit how he’s working so hard to defend and throw hits and all that. He’s not making his teammates better, and he’s not going to the net like he should.  Period.  Let me remind you what philosophically Rick Nash on the Rangers represents: SUPERSTAR LEVEL GOAL SCORING.  He was acquired in the wake of the disastrous loss in the 2012 Eastern Conference Finals to the Devils in which the Rangers beat themselves because both John Tortorella coached his players into the ground and a lack of premium twine tingling.  He is the reason a couple core team members were deemed expendable in the name of much needed added offense in the form of a true power forward.

Look, Rick Nash is a bonafide superstar, as noted by his career high goal scoring tallys this year (42).  He’s not employed to backcheck. He could very well score tonight in game 3 in Tampa and lead the Rangers to victory, and, I don’t know, it would probably make some modicum of sense to have your 40 goal scorer on the first power play unit (looking at you Alain).  But he can’t shy away from these big moments, nor can he feel like one is enough.  He needs to grow a personality quick and start to take over.

Tonight’s Schedule and Fike Misher

  

By Trapp

Possible series clinchers tonight with Chicago and Calgary. Going to be another very exciting night of playoff hockey. 

Nashville’s only hope is if Carrie Underwood is present tonight. Also Fike Misher is in the same category as Dan Girardi for strong as fuck faces. 

  

Gib waj.

Ryan Callahan Didn’t Score In The Shootout…Weird

By Trapp

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The guy who is a bonafide 3rd line forward who scores 40 points a season and was asking for north of $6 mil per season was called upon by his new club to score and extend the shootout last night. And whatyaknow, he did his predictable bender leg kick move then attempted to stuff it in far post on the forehand. The goalie made the save look non chalant and that was the end of the game.

Callahan’s shit move is what I used to practice when I was a squirt in 1999 because I was 10 years old and a squirt. Not 28 and in the National. You should have better moves especially for a guy who apparently is a winner (hasn’t won jack shit) and wants to join the $6 million dollar club…

Good Chance Stammer is Wolverine

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By Doud

Guy shatters his ankle on the 12th, has surgery, and here we are on the 25th and Stammer’s straight up walkin around like nothing happened. That’s not how humans operate sans HGH, i know from experience dude. So how bout you just come clean bro and tell us that you’re an x-man. Not the drug dealer kind, the mutant kind. You 7000% chill with professor Xavier and have a crush on Jean Gray. You haven’t won Stanley but you were created by Stan Lee. Don’t bullshit me bro I know your ways.