Ya Know, When I Prayed for the Rangers to Win the Cup This Year, This Isn’t What I Meant.

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by Doud

Literally me watching this Cup Final:

Let’s just run it all down:

CHICAGO:

-Brad Richards

-Dan Carcillo

TAMPA:

-Ryan Callahan

-Anton StralMAN

-Brian Boyle

-Johnathan Marchessault (Connecticut Whale 2011-12)

-Pat Verbeek (Assistant GM, Dir. of Player Personnel)

Granted, I was all for the Cally/Marty swap, and Richards’ play through the 2014 run did nothing but justify his benching by Torts the previous year and I was all for buying him out last summer, but still.  This is all so brutal. Cally and Rich scoring in game 3 was not cool, not cool at all.  Don’t even get me started on the fact that the Rangers literally had Stamkos back in ’09.

FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCK

Mark Lazarus, NBC Sports Head, Can Fuck Right Off

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Mara Beard very necessary.

by Doud

From the Chicago Tribune:

“The players won’t like this, but I wish they all would stop growing beards in the postseason,” Lazarus said. “Let’s get their faces out there. Let’s talk about how young and attractive they are. What model citizens they are. (Hockey players) truly are one of a kind among professional athletes. 

“I know it’s a tradition and superstition, but I think (the beards do) hurt recognition. They have a great opportunity with more endorsements. Or simply more recognition with fans saying, ‘That guy looks like the kid next door,’ which many of these guys do. I think that would be a nice thing.”

Ya know whats cool nowadays (and has probably jumped the shark)?  Beards.  Ya know whats always been manly as fuck?  Beards.  It’s called fashion Mark, look it up, and in hockey you simply don’t mess with tradition*.  Ken Morrow walked outta Lake Placid with gold in hand and into Nassau onto pro ice and said “fuck this shaving bullshit, I came to win.”  And unfortunately, that’s exactly what he did for 4 straight years.  Thus the full follicle tradition was born.  Seriously as the saying goes, “how do you shave your beard? YOU DON’T.”  So yea, I don’t think anyone’s about to listen to smooth faced Mark Lazarus of NBC.  Not to mention, last I checked Gillette, the best a man can get, is a long time sponsor of the League of National Hockey and I’m PRETTY sure you need facial hair in order to market such a product geared toward the removal of such.  Cross promotion BITCH, use your brain one time for me MARK.

Seriously, hockey’s a man’s game played by men, other than Sidney Crosby.

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Hit puberty sometime before age 30 bro honestly.

*EXCEPTION: ’94 Rangers, ‘cuz Mess told his troops he aint partaking in any Islander bullshit.

I Need This Parade

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This photo, blown up and from a different angle, hangs on the wall in my garage.  I pass it as I enter and leave the house each day.

 

By Doud

 

I woke up early as a 3rd grader on Friday, June 17th 1994 ready to go, except I didn’t have my OLV school uniform on, I was set to go to the first Stanley Cup Championship parade in Rangers’ and New York history.  My dad didn’t take the day off, and I had to go to school.  It’s still something he regrets to this day.

 

In the time that has passed since, not a single day has gone by that I haven’t dreamed and contemplated what another Stanley Cup would be like.  As big a Rangers fan as I was back then, there’s no way as a 9 year old I could have fully appreciated the gravitas that was the first championship in over half a century.  I never really endured derisive chants hurled my way of “1940.”  What I was instead forced to live through was the reign of the Devils, and the agony that through the late 90’s and into the early 2000’s the disarray that was the Rangers.  It was beyond agonizing.  To be here on the verge of seeing the Rangers play for Lord Stanley’s chalice is so surreal it’s hard to put into words.  It still hasn’t hit me that it legitimately could happen again.  Trapp said it best, “its like wanting so bad to do something for 20 years, and when you’re finally allowed to, you have no idea what to do.”

 

Two decades later I need this parade to happen to fill that void.  I’ve lived and died with this organization every single step of the way.  Should they win I’ll probably wake my dad up again on parade day despite being nearly 30 just for the significance of it.  It’s about damn time we ventured to the Canyon of Heroes.

 

 

Panger Losin It On Chell Net

By Trapp

You might have to turn your volumes up just a little bit but it’s there trust me.

Live coverage after the games during the Stanley Cup Final. I guess I was watching the right night because they show Crawford’s nasty Danny Glover on B-March in the slot and then all hell breaks loose. Dougy Weight was in on the action too. Maybe him and Panger were lightin some bowls up or hittin a blunt before they went live. I literally laugh at this every time I watch it. What’s great is Kevin Weekes professionalism comin to the rescue to take Panger’s cue at one point, Dougy Weight laughin, Mikey Johnson getting 27000% flustered at the end when Panger keeps laughing. Katty Tapp wants no part of this. I watched the live coverage after the next game strictly to see if Panger was still up to his antics but they kept him under close watch and blatantly obvious. My god.

Hey Boston:



By Doud

Seriously though. But really with that ending. I swear I’ve seen a lotta shit in my time but DAMN. Not sure if I’ve ever seen the Cup legit stolen like that. Unreal. Bruins are basically “HEY HONEY I’M WINNING I’M WINNING..AND I’M DEAD.”
Toronto commin in HOT:
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Fuckin karma bro.

BLACKHAWKS CAPTURE CUP IN 17 SECONDS…POP THAT ‘PAGNE


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By Doud

Live from B-town: Bolland and Bickell score the biggest goals of their careers to steal game 6 late to crush the Bruins hopes of forcing game 7 and capture the cup for Chi-Town. They’re goin back to Chicago with the cup and partyin for like 18 days straight with all kindsa ‘pagne, beer, and shots flowin like goddamn Niagra Falls.
I absolutely LOVE how everyone’s first thought on Facebook and Twitter alike was how fucked up Kaner is gonna get within minutes.

P.S. Viktor Stalberg with one of the quotes of the night:

GET IT

WHAT IF THE NEXT BIG WAS MY HEAD EXPLODED LIKE THE SCENE FROM SCANNERS?

By Trapp

Anyone who has the NHL Network aka chell net, we all know they show some really really mediocre, nearly unwatchable awful commercials basically 24/7. I feel like that shit gets worse as the night goes on especially from like 10pm-5am. That’s a large span of really bad commercials.

I’d like to now share a few of the real slobber knockers here with you guys:

At number 4 we have the Hair Club Commercial. It’s simple: if you’re out of shape you’re bald; you get hair, you’re then in athletic shape and you’re in bed with two women. Best part happens 2:00

At number 3 we have Criss Angel’s Magic Kit Commercial. This is the kit that will for sure turn you into a sorcerer and it comes with a shit ton of instructions and videos on to perform the best tricks and also to levitate. I forgot that these were all the things that I wake up and strive to do. Just watch this.

The best trick might be the guy performing the ‘Rising Ring’. Definitely the perfect ice breaker bro.

At number 2 we have the HD Aviator Glasses Commercial. In this it feature a similar rendition to the beginning of the Top Gun. Also, this commercial may or may not feature OJ Simpson at 49 seconds…

And without further adieu we have number 1….

You might recognize the first five seconds of this if you are a frequent NHL network viewer. You also might recognize the other part that’s featured in this short video if you are Dyan Roud and rent films from 1981…or Scanners