Torts Is Fired Up And This Is Exactly What We Needed

By Trapp

It’s no secret how John Tortorella feels about the Pittsburgh Penguins. He fuckin hates that organization with a passion. And to add salt to the wound, veteran defenseman Jack Johnson left the Columbus Blue Jackets and signed a deal with the Penguins.

Torts heard about Johnson saying he chose Pittsburgh to “be part of a winning culture.”

Shots fired.

In an interview with The Athletic, Torts took those comments as a slap in the face to Columbus. Torts tried calling Jack up and seeing what’s what and Jack is ghostin John.

“He doesn’t have enough balls to call me back, because I’ve tried to get in touch with him,” Tortorella told The Athletic. “You don’t (expletive) on an organization that’s done nothing but try to help you. We all know Jack has had some problems along the way here. It’s very well-chronicled. All we’ve done is try to (expletive) help him.”

Jack denied his message being a shot at his former team but more so to the fact that Pitt has two cups in the last three seasons.

Oh and Torts also heard about some of the comments that Pittsburgh GM Jim Rutherford made about why Johnson had been scratched in these past playoffs. Torts had an answer for Rutherford. And it was simply:

“Rutherford needs to the shut the fuck up.”

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I only became aware of this now and I think I know how I feel about it

By Trapp

So soccer on ice is a thing. Really don’t think I’ve seen this before. It looks like a shit show. Full hockey equipment too… and bowling shoes. It is a remarkably low scoring affair like it’s predecessor: fútbol

I’d really like to crush at least five JT Miller High Life’s and just give this game a whirl. Just once. It probably gets old quick when you’re playing. I think I’m going to stick to talking about making a beer league comeback instead. Speaking of which, my beer league comeback is actually near….stay tuned.

Verdict: soccer on ice is fuckin dumb

The Penguins Makin Cap Space For A Move

By Trapp

Pittsburgh Penguins traded Conor Sheary and Hatt Munwick to the Buffalo Sabres for a conditional 2019 fourth-round draft pick. One shit city to another, man that’s gotta suck. Not gonna be sippin from the Cup for a while sorry boys.

This is clearly a cap dump maneuver for the Penguins to have some room to make a move with July 1st just four days away. There’s word out that they have interest in chapter eleven defender Jack Johnson, as well as maybe acquiring Jeff Skinner outta Carolina via trade. But can’t this team just be bad for a little bit again? I don’t understand how this fuckin team’s ever been under the salary cap to begin with yet they somehow make it work. They’re not one of the remaining teams in the running for JT but I gotta say, if I wake up July 1st and JT said SIIIIIIIKE! and it was an alternate reality like alternate ‘85 in Back to the Future 2 and it was all a plan to make a super team then I’m going to just give up on life all together.

No one can allow that to happen. That would be alternative 2018 so we’re good.

Anyway here’s Banana Pancakes by Jack Johnson… the other Jack Johnson.

Call to John: The Saga Continues

By Trapp

It’s now time for John Tavares to make a choice. And the correct choice is to leave the Islanders.

John and his camp are set to meet this week at his agency’s location in Los Angeles. He’s got a list of five different teams he’s going to be meeting with as well as the Islanders before July 1st. The five teams are Dallas, Boston, San Jose, Toronto and Tampa Bay. Pierre LeBrun mentioned in a tweet that Tavares “will have phone conversations with 2-3 other teams and perhaps meet with two of them.” So there are other teams in the mix outside of those six teams mentioned above. Vegas is definitely in there, maybe New Jersey.

It is possible that John says fuck it all and re-signs with the Islanders for eight more years getting that extra year. I don’t know where the fuck he’s gonna end up. He’s gonna stay in New York or go somewhere else. You would think that if he was completely sold on Lou coming in hot and bringing in Bad Boy Barry then the deal would be done to stay with the Islanders. But who knows. Just don’t go to Toronto. Fuck that team.

Here’s all the Islander fans right now:

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My Five NHL Draft Busts

By Trapp

With the first round of the NHL draft just hours away let’s go down memory lane and see my five draft busts list.

Nikita Filatov – Drafted by the Columbus Blue Jackets, 1st round, 6th overall 2008 draft

What the fuck happened man? You didn’t wanna play a little defense in Ken HitchCOCK’s system in Columbus? You managed 9 games in Ottawa and then it was off to the K. Your numbers in the KHL are remarkably underwhelming too. Ya lasted 53 NHL games. Notable player drafted after this dud: Erik Karlsson…

Nail Yakupov – Drafted by the Edmonton Oilers, 1st round, 1st overall 2012 draft

Holy hell have you let everyone down so far. It’s been 6 years since your draft year annnnnnd well let’s just say you AREN’T exactly this generations Pavel Bure and ya also never eclipsed over 35 points in a season. Your first name is Nail.. fucking NAIL. The NHL needs a goal scoring machine superstar named Nail! You’re only 24 and the NHL is a young mans game but the thing is you’ve been St. Louis’ and Colorado’s reclamation project. The third team to take you on should be the last. Just get a hold of whatever Ovechkin and Kuznetsov are drinking and light it up. It would be hilarious if you won the Hart Trophy next year. Notable player drafted after Nail: Filip Forsberg

Hugh Jessiman – Drafted by the New York Rangers, 1st round, 12th overall 2003 draft

2003 was the DEEPEST NHL DRAFT EVER and THIS.. THIS.. this is who the Rangers drafted. Holy shit. Gonna just get right to it. TWO NHL games. That is it. And here is a list of the players in that draft that went after Hugh:

Dustin Brown

Brent Seabrook (Oceanstream)

Zach Parise

Ryan Getzlaf

Brent Burns

Ryan Kesler

Mike Richards

Corey Perry

Loui Eriksson

Patrice Bergeron

Shea Weber

Alexander Daigle – Drafted by the Ottawa Senators, 1st round, 1st overall 1993 draft

Good God what did you do? Your numbers in QMJHL prior and leading up to the draft make my neck hurt bro.

91-92 season, 35g, 75a for 110pts in 66 games played. LOL ok. The next season, 92-93 legit your draft year… 45g, 92a for 137pts in 53 games played. You play a full season with the Senators your rookie season in 93-94 and post 51 points. OK maybe the kid needs to acclimate. It just doesn’t pan out after that.

It’s like you set the bar at 51 to be the MAX points you’ll contribute to a season when things were going well. Like aahhh shit 18 games left you could eclipse 60 points for sure.. Naa I’m good with 51. YA DID manage 616 games. A lot of people expect that number to be goals. I will say, your HockeyDB pic is very Point Break so that’s cool. Notable player(s) drafted after you: Chris Pronger, Paul Kariya.

Patrik Stefan – Drafted by the Atlanta Thrashers 1st round, 1st overall 1999 draft

Could be all Brian Burke’s fault, honestly. Atlanta sat with the 2nd overall pick in the draft and a goddamn determined BRIAN Burke and Vancouver Canucks were Sedin Army all the way.

Here’s footage of Marc Crawford trying to stop Burkey from making deals to move up in the draft:

Atlanta was like “Ight we’ll select Stefan first overall so the Sedins can go to Vancouver.” I mean the ‘99 draft wasn’t necessarily loaded but good lord. Pick Martin Havlat over Stefan! He survived 6 seasons with the Thrashers and played his final season at age 27 with the Dallas Stars in the 2006-2007 season. He’s most memorable for missing an empty net that was cock length away which then resulted in the Oilers going down the other way to tie the game in the final second of the game. Here you can watch, Ray Ferarro is gold in this by the way:

Mike HoffMAN Traded Twice Before Lunch

By Trapp

The Ottawa Senators are a dumpster fire. First the Assistant GM has allegations toward him about gettin weird with a driver and then the story breaks about HoffMAN’s fiancé cyber bullying Erik Karlsson’s wife. Not a good look for the franchise.

So, within days of all that coming out, GM Pierre Dorion fuckin trades HoffMAN to San Jose along with defenseman Cody Donaghey and a 2020 fifth round draft pick, for Mikkel Boedker, defenseman Julius Bergman and a 2020 sixth rounder. Ok cool.

Two hours later.

Doug Wilson GM of San Jose gives Dale Tallon, GM of the Florida Panthers, a call and they strike a deal. HoffMAN is sent BAAACK to the East and to the same goddamn division. Hey Senators, you get to play Michael and the Cats four times next season. Going back to San Jose in the deal from Florida was a 2019 second-round pick, a 2018 fourth-round pick and a 2018 fifth-round pick.

That’s some GM sorcery by Doug Wilson. Shedding Boedker’s contract and collecting draft picks which never hurts. This clears cap room for them to take a run at free agents John Tavares and Ilya Kovalchuk. And as for Ottawa… yea it’s just gonna get worse when Karlsson is eventually dealt.

Matt Duchene must be thrilled…