Kovalchuk Leaves Devils Causing Giant Shitstorm of Stupidity on Social Networks

By Jake

Around 3 P.M. ET Thursday afternoon, news broke that Devils’ star Ilya Kovalchuk was prematurely announcing his retirement from the NHL.

At approximately 3:15 P.M. ET a social media phenomena known to experts in the field as a “Shitstorm” commenced. The Devils Army, you know the guys who pay for the $10 dollar College Night seats and pretended to know who the fuck Scott Niedermayer was on his jersey retirement night, took to Facebook and Twitter to voice their dismay.

One who happened to be perusing the two sites at that time period would be sure enough to find statuses and tweets that read something kind of like this:

“YOOOO WTF KOVALCHUK RETIRED? DUDE WE OWE HIM SO MUCH MONEY WERE SO SCREWED WOW”

Or…

“Omg… What a pussy.. Wtf.. First Parise then Clarkson now Kovy!! Wtf!?”

And one more for good measure…

“I tend to post about hockey only during the playoffs or when the Devils play the Rangers, but guess what? Fuck You Kovy”

OK that last one was an exaggeration but I think it’s a good representational paraphrase of the shitstorm.

Look, “Devils fans,” calm down. Where was your outrage when Gomez bolted for New York? Did you cry when Rafalski went to the Wings? (I know I did.) And what about Holik?

Point is: As a lifelong Devils fan, I’m embarrassed; not because our “star” player retired, or because we have no first round draft pick next summer, but because of the fact that the majority of our fan base has the mindset comparable to a 13-year old girl on MySpace. You see everything with tunnel vision, you have no idea what real life is about (Kovy needed to be with his family), and you are probably a bandwagoning whore. OK sorry that last part was just for the girls who claimed to be hockey fans because they were thirsty for Parise.

Everyone relax. Kovalchuk’s retirement is bad for the Devils short term, but not a bad thing long-term. They get out of that monstrous contract and can be a major player in NHL Free Agency each summer. Devils have a good crop of young talent (Henrique, Boucher, Larsson, Schneider) so don’t lose your mind when a player, who you probably couldn’t tell me who the Devils traded to get, retires to go be with his family.

Best of luck to you Kovy…