Mike HoffMAN Traded Twice Before Lunch

By Trapp

The Ottawa Senators are a dumpster fire. First the Assistant GM has allegations toward him about gettin weird with a driver and then the story breaks about HoffMAN’s fiancé cyber bullying Erik Karlsson’s wife. Not a good look for the franchise.

So, within days of all that coming out, GM Pierre Dorion fuckin trades HoffMAN to San Jose along with defenseman Cody Donaghey and a 2020 fifth round draft pick, for Mikkel Boedker, defenseman Julius Bergman and a 2020 sixth rounder. Ok cool.

Two hours later.

Doug Wilson GM of San Jose gives Dale Tallon, GM of the Florida Panthers, a call and they strike a deal. HoffMAN is sent BAAACK to the East and to the same goddamn division. Hey Senators, you get to play Michael and the Cats four times next season. Going back to San Jose in the deal from Florida was a 2019 second-round pick, a 2018 fourth-round pick and a 2018 fifth-round pick.

That’s some GM sorcery by Doug Wilson. Shedding Boedker’s contract and collecting draft picks which never hurts. This clears cap room for them to take a run at free agents John Tavares and Ilya Kovalchuk. And as for Ottawa… yea it’s just gonna get worse when Karlsson is eventually dealt.

Matt Duchene must be thrilled…

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From Tenders to Coaches: Not That Sunny in Philadelphia 

by Trapp

The goaltending fiasco that has plagued the Philadelphia Flyers organization for years is beyond evident. Roman Cechmanek was their starter in 2000. I laughed writing his name because he was in the 2001 NHL All Star Game. He was egregiously bad at his position. For Christ sake their two goalies in their Stanley Cup run in 2010 were Brian Boucher and Michael Leighton. 

Here’s a picture of Cechmanek holding a helmet.

  

And then there’s Bryzgalov. Acrually I really can’t even get into the Ilya Bryzgalov era. 

Just go to YouTube and watch his other scene stealing monologues in the HBO Sports 24/7 winter classic for Rangers/Flyers. Jagr didn’t even wanna sit with him and eat lunch. That speaks volumes. Jagr’s easily top 5 weirdest guys alive. 

Petey Lav gets the team to the cup immediately after being hired. Gets the boot couple years later. Craig takes over. They weren’t very good. They fire Craig and bring in this Dave Hakstol guy. I’m fuckin tellin ya, GM Ron Hextall absolutely hired him because they borderline have the same last name. 

10 goals allowed in two games. You can say after two games into the season Philly looks like dog shit. Saturday night was a pure shallacking. Jagr and the Cats put up 7 against the Flyers. Jagr scored twice against his former team and my boy Trochek put up 4 points that night. The team already had a closed door players only meeting. I mean whatever you gotta do to get the morale back up do it because you guys play the Panthers again tonight and you might wanna figure some shit out.

Check out Jagr’s two goals from Saturday. 

He’s 43.

IMPORTANT NEWS: Jagr Flow To Make Triumphant Return

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By Doud

The Hockey News: “I have to.”

You’re damn right you have to Jaromir, there’s literally no reason you should have ever cut it in the first place.  The biggest crime in the game over the past decade and a half is the absence of that magnificent and legendary mane.

But Jags, you couldn’t make this monumental announcement like a week ago?  C’mon bro, I had my fantasy draft on Saturday night and would have made you my first round pick if I knew the legendary Jagr Flow was gonna be back in action this year.  If you don’t think Jaromir’s gonna tear shit up and put up astounding numbers whilst his mane of glory dazzles defenders then you don’t know anything about hockey or the 90s and you’re just flat out a stupid person.  Throw out all preseason picks and put the Panthers on top of your list of contenders ‘cuz theres just no stopping Jagr Flow.  I’m setting the over/under at 473 for points this year by the ageless Czech, and I’m taking the over.  By a lot.

Education:

Jagr Takes A lot of Selfies

 

By Trapp

It’s an absolute treat this man is still in the NHL and that he has a personal Facebook page. If he keeps his word from last week that he plans “to play another 7 years” he will be 2nd all time in points behind Wayne. 

Never thought about it until Doud pointed out: he’d already be there if it hadn’t been for the multiple lockouts and his three years in Russia. Regardless, he’s 43 takin selfies and doin shit like this:

https://youtu.be/fmIg4EEdJyM

At The Moment, Bobby Lou and Tim Tom are Teammates

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By Doud

Luongo takes his talents back to South Beach where him and Tom can pump each others tires left and right. It’s not likely now that rob’s been acquired but I hope to god Florida keeps them both for the pure comedic value of it all. I hope they greet each other with air pumps in the locker room and/or new sets of tires.

P.S. nice helmets Tom, everybody hates you:

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Tim Tom Takes His talents To South Beach

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by Doud

So Tim Thomas is apparently awakening from his year long hibernation spent in Colorado where he likely was the real life incarnation of Yukon Cornelieus straigh up lumberjackin and shit. Dude is 39 and hasn’t been on the ice in a year so goin to a shit team like the Panthers is probably ideal where it won’t matter when he inevitably sucks. Also there’s no chance Florida’s anywhere near close to potentially scheduling a White House celebratory visit anytime soon so that probably factored into his decision.