From Tenders to Coaches: Not That Sunny in Philadelphia 

by Trapp

The goaltending fiasco that has plagued the Philadelphia Flyers organization for years is beyond evident. Roman Cechmanek was their starter in 2000. I laughed writing his name because he was in the 2001 NHL All Star Game. He was egregiously bad at his position. For Christ sake their two goalies in their Stanley Cup run in 2010 were Brian Boucher and Michael Leighton. 

Here’s a picture of Cechmanek holding a helmet.

  

And then there’s Bryzgalov. Acrually I really can’t even get into the Ilya Bryzgalov era. 

Just go to YouTube and watch his other scene stealing monologues in the HBO Sports 24/7 winter classic for Rangers/Flyers. Jagr didn’t even wanna sit with him and eat lunch. That speaks volumes. Jagr’s easily top 5 weirdest guys alive. 

Petey Lav gets the team to the cup immediately after being hired. Gets the boot couple years later. Craig takes over. They weren’t very good. They fire Craig and bring in this Dave Hakstol guy. I’m fuckin tellin ya, GM Ron Hextall absolutely hired him because they borderline have the same last name. 

10 goals allowed in two games. You can say after two games into the season Philly looks like dog shit. Saturday night was a pure shallacking. Jagr and the Cats put up 7 against the Flyers. Jagr scored twice against his former team and my boy Trochek put up 4 points that night. The team already had a closed door players only meeting. I mean whatever you gotta do to get the morale back up do it because you guys play the Panthers again tonight and you might wanna figure some shit out.

Check out Jagr’s two goals from Saturday. 

He’s 43.

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IMPORTANT NEWS: Jagr Flow To Make Triumphant Return

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By Doud

The Hockey News: “I have to.”

You’re damn right you have to Jaromir, there’s literally no reason you should have ever cut it in the first place.  The biggest crime in the game over the past decade and a half is the absence of that magnificent and legendary mane.

But Jags, you couldn’t make this monumental announcement like a week ago?  C’mon bro, I had my fantasy draft on Saturday night and would have made you my first round pick if I knew the legendary Jagr Flow was gonna be back in action this year.  If you don’t think Jaromir’s gonna tear shit up and put up astounding numbers whilst his mane of glory dazzles defenders then you don’t know anything about hockey or the 90s and you’re just flat out a stupid person.  Throw out all preseason picks and put the Panthers on top of your list of contenders ‘cuz theres just no stopping Jagr Flow.  I’m setting the over/under at 473 for points this year by the ageless Czech, and I’m taking the over.  By a lot.

Education:

Jagr Takes A lot of Selfies

 

By Trapp

It’s an absolute treat this man is still in the NHL and that he has a personal Facebook page. If he keeps his word from last week that he plans “to play another 7 years” he will be 2nd all time in points behind Wayne. 

Never thought about it until Doud pointed out: he’d already be there if it hadn’t been for the multiple lockouts and his three years in Russia. Regardless, he’s 43 takin selfies and doin shit like this:

https://youtu.be/fmIg4EEdJyM

At The Moment, Bobby Lou and Tim Tom are Teammates

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By Doud

Luongo takes his talents back to South Beach where him and Tom can pump each others tires left and right. It’s not likely now that rob’s been acquired but I hope to god Florida keeps them both for the pure comedic value of it all. I hope they greet each other with air pumps in the locker room and/or new sets of tires.

P.S. nice helmets Tom, everybody hates you:

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Tim Tom Takes His talents To South Beach

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by Doud

So Tim Thomas is apparently awakening from his year long hibernation spent in Colorado where he likely was the real life incarnation of Yukon Cornelieus straigh up lumberjackin and shit. Dude is 39 and hasn’t been on the ice in a year so goin to a shit team like the Panthers is probably ideal where it won’t matter when he inevitably sucks. Also there’s no chance Florida’s anywhere near close to potentially scheduling a White House celebratory visit anytime soon so that probably factored into his decision.

Any Panther That’s In Florida: Look Out, Teammates Too

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By Trapp

Myself and Doud are twitter users. We follow friends, family, athletes, whatever. Saw a post from Gaborik to follow Tomas Kopecky so I’m like, alight cool. Started following Tommy, traveled deep into his picture archive and stumbled upon this amazing photograph.

I GET IT it’s the offseason for him he’s doin activities on the reg more often than so during the season. I mean for friggin Chara climbed ‘manjaro. Must be that Slovak blood in them for doing these things off the cusp and what also seems incredibly dangerous. In this picture, Tom’s huntin. Never would’ve thought of this guy to be a hunter, I don’t know, I don’t look at someone and say ‘Yeah he hunts in the off season.’

My first thought when I saw him holding this now carcass is that, “He’s 8000% holding a panther.” I look at the caption that happens to be directed towards a teammate and a fellow Stanley Cup champion in ChiTown, Brian Campbell. He’s straight up giving Soupy a warning: “U are next!!!!!!” It’s written so matter of fact, it’s remarkable. The irony in all of this is that these yugs play for the Florida Panthers.

Scratch the actual animal off the list, he’s now moving onto Brian Campbell and potentially the team mascot…

Just speculation.