by The Beacon
Yeah. So canada won. Big fucking deal. In the grand scheme of things, what does Canada even do for the world? Nothing. They hang out in the fucking wilderness eating tree bark and Tim Hortons or some shit. And have their big name players even done anything? I don’t think I heard Crosby or his boy wonder Kunitz mentioned in this game. So basically, even though USA fell to Canada in this tilt, it doesn’t matter because USA is still better at pretty much everything else in life. And even the few things you would attribute to Canadian greatness, it turns out its really not that great if you think about it.
Here are a few things:
Maple Syrup- Nah, I buy Vermont made maple syrup.
Great hockey stories- Canada has shitty hockey stories. The 1980 Miracle on Ice is the most iconic hockey moment in history and it belongs to the USA.
Wolverine- Hell, Wolverine (Weapon X himself) wound up fighting wars for the United States. He didn’t love you Canada. Just Jean Grey…and he killed her so consider yourself lucky.
Molson-…… ok MAYBE i can’t take anything away from Molson. But if any of you watching the USA game today drank Molson, or drank out of a Molson glass, you should be deported. All Molson taps should have been off limits today.
That is pretty much it for things Canada is known for. I literally had to google “Canada’s defining moments” and one of them was giving Women equal rights. Yeah good job there, Canada.
So today, as long as you did American things, like drink American beer, and ate at McDonalds and just ruled at life in general, you should be proud, and support the USA tomorrow to win a bronze.
P.S.- All day at work I sat at my cubicle and refused to do any work and watched this game on my computer. They had it playing in the cafeteria on a projector, but there were a bunch of Russian douche bags rooting for Canada. Because I don’t want to get fired for a belligerent assault on fellow coworkers, i confined myself to my desk.
PPS- Doud got the opening line from the Herb Brooks Miracle speech wrong in his header before and I am straight up disappointed in him. The Herb Brooks Miracle speech is right behind Independence Day in the Top American speeches category (numbers one and two respectively.)